back from boston

Flight 800 to Baltimore was delayed and no one answered their phones. I slept like a cat on the airport rug. I curled my body up, under my pea coat, under my self conscious skin. I worried that someone would take my things while I was sleeping, so I kept my head awake, but my heart slept till 8:23. During take off I could feel the weight of my body as it pushed against the seat as the plane pulled forward. I felt out of control. I was not sad, or anxious. I have stopped giving my emotions names. I was just crying. Seven huge tears took paths down my face, but thats was it, just the seven, and then I was finished. It was a quiet cry, those that only let tears fall out, no noises, just the work of salt and eyelids. I felt alone this weekend. I felt alone in that airplane seat, with my body on a removable cushion, a possible floating device. I pressed the light off and then on and then off again.
The lady beside me had long blond hair, too long for her late age. Her face was caked with foundation, she is hiding from time. Her boyfriend wore a gold chain and kept his hand on her right leg, sometimes closer to her knee, sometimes not. I felt that Iwas invading their space, but as he stared into her, she fell asleep. He is not ready to settle down, he never wants to give wholly of himself,commitment is a nightmare. He read a book about the fifth universe. I thought to myself, he is going to get out when we land and tonight they will make love and it will feel like nothing. I don't know now, they are just strangers. Strangers to me, Strangers to each other.

During the landing I found myself tangled in the gold lighted sheets of Baltimore. My head felt light as we climbed slowly from the tunnel, out into the eerie hallway connector. People were waiting for their friends, family, lovers when I reached the doorway. I smiled, I wondered if they wondered about me. I think about what it feels like to have someone waiting for you. I went to the wrong exit, I took an elevator, I almost got hit by a taxi van, and then finally, I pulled my body and suitcase into my parents SUV. I turned on my phone to eight new text messages. I want to be closer than text messages.

The light crept behind my eyelids last night and painted the most beautiful dream for me. I was dressed like a jellyfish and I won a costume contest. I won thirty dollars of coffee. I ran down to a stream, under this great canopy of trees, it was muddy and softly raining, but my costume was made for this weather. I met someone down there, in the soft soil, under the trees, where our names were carved. We knew each other well, I am sure that he was in love with me. He did not have a face, but I knew him, and we kissed gently, to say hello, to compliment. When I was small I used to take the hands of any one bigger, any one stronger, and they'd spin me, spin me till i was horizontal and parallel to the floor. And in my dream, this lover of mine was spinning me in this way, and I was dizzy, but I didn't mind, his hands were in mine, and I didn't mind. And we stayed like this, both spinning until the trees and soil just became a dark shade of green. We kept spinning. At some point we grew tired and we climbed into a van and slept, his arms resting across my body, his chest close to my spine. I woke up happy and full, I felt light and beautiful. I turned over and no one was there. When will you be here?

This morning the coffee was cold and I had no taste buds to taste it.